With two multi-platinum albums under their bedazzled belts, Scissor Sisters are comfortably numb from answering the same lame interview questions for years (the most dreaded: "Do you think being gay affects your success in America?") So as the international superstars release a second extras-packed DVD, Hurrah - A Year of Ta-Dah, we interrogated lead male vocalist — and former HX contributor — Jake Shears with gems culled from procrastinatory e-mail surveys, plus glib questionnaires found in various vintage teen and women's magazines.
By Brandon Voss
HX: What's your ringtone?
Jake Shears: My main ringtone is the riff from "Bad to the Bone," and right now I have a quack that comes on when my boyfriend calls — because he's always quackin'.
Who's your biggest celebrity crush?
Justin Theroux. I love him. He's in the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, and I could seriously get off from looking at the poster. [Ed note: That's actually Jason Lee, but they're both kinda sexy.}
Which celeb would you go straight for?
Jane Fonda. She's a hot mama.
If you had to, which celebrity would you eat?
Paul Rudd. He looks like he tastes very good.
Which sassy black diva would you like to adopt you?
Let me ask Babydaddy because he knows I'm always talking about sassy black divas. [Consults Babydaddy] Tobell Von Cartier — absolutely.
What plastic surgery will you most likely get first?
Calf implants. I can never seem to do anything with them.
Whose hair do you covet most?
Sigourney Weaver in Alien and Ghostbusters. And Adrienne Barbeau in her heyday. It's kind of the same hairdo — that permy, kinky white woman hair.
Team Britney or Team K-Fed?
They should just let the paparazzi adopt the kids.
What's the name of your favorite porno?
Sailor in the Wild — my all-time favorite. It's an old William Higgins. As far as new porn, right now I'm obsessed with Roman Ragazzi, whose latest hits are Playback, Miami and Tailpipes. He's amazing.
What's the drunkest you've ever been?
It was my freshman year of college, and we'd gone to a toga party. We went to get some weed out of my dorm room — I was still wearing my toga — and I fell down the stairs. Then I laughed so hard I peed myself. Then I cried for the next two hours.
Describe your favorite pair of underwear.
My boyfriend gets me these super-cheap, three-dollar packs of really thin, grody panties — I call them "poo poo pee pee" underpants — and we do enjoy those.
What's your favorite fag joke?
What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out. That's a good one.
What would your drag name be?
Queef Latina. It's been floating around the Scissors camp for a long time. I'd have to actually be Latino to pull it off, but it's the best unused drag name ever.
Describe how you kiss.
My kisses are very firm and I use a lot of tongue. I don't stretch my mouth or gape too much — you know when you kiss somebody and they're, like, yawning on your face? There's nothing worse than a smooshy kiss.
Who should play you in the movie of your life?
What was your most beloved childhood action figure?
I was a huge He-Man fan. I really liked my She-Ra, but He-Man had this, like, superhot daddy that hung out with him. He was about 50 and really buff.
Who do you want to meet before you die?
Stephen King. He's it for me. I know everyone loves Stephen King, but I'm a genuine, diehard, first edition-collecting Stephen King fan.
If you were an '80s sitcom star, what would your catchphrase be?
"Mary!" — like Jackée from 227.
Abs, pecs, biceps or ass?
Length or girth?
Do you think it's okay to be attracted to Zac Efron?
No. No I don't.
HX, December 2007; extended online version.