Bitch/Tuck: With a new dating manual and TV "docudrama," Janice Dickinson doesn't have time for your bullshit.
By Brandon Voss
A heated chat with the former America's Next Top Model judge about her third book, Check Please!, and her new Oxygen Network show, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, taught this cheeky journalist a valuable lesson: Don't fuck with the world's first supermodel, baby!
Janice Dickinson: Good fucking afternoon!
HX: How are you? You hurt your knee?
Yeah, I was yanked over a Plexiglass table in my agency by some over-enthused Oxygen executive.
Are you on pain meds?
Oh no, I'm organic. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. Nooo! That doesn't work for la Janice!
I know you've had a long day of interviews. What are some of the lame questions you've been getting?
The fags are going, Tell us how you really feel about Ryan Seacrest. I mean, what a boring stupid fucking question! If you want to interview me, find it inside your heart to ask me what you really want to know.
Well, I want to know why you still made appearances on Top Model after getting fired as a judge.
Why should I care? I’m a model for Vogue, not Sports Illustrated, honey. Get it? No helicopters land on my forehead. Get it? I’m still modeling and I’m a perfect size 24 jeans. Get it? Rrrowr!
I get it. Tyra had Naomi Campbell on her daytime talk show to sort out their differences. Would you consider that?
Please, Tyra wishes she were the man that Naomi is. Why would I want to sort out her mother smother? Let her figure it out herself.
Would you ever pull a Jamie Lee Curtis and do a magazine cover without a stitch of makeup?
Are you fucking crazy? Absolutely fucking not! Jamie Lee Curtis is a man. I will die and they’ll dig me up like King Tut — I’ll have a perfect pair of silicone breasts, fake nails, a perfect weave. I’ll have 0.0 body fat and I will achieve the skeleton look that I’ve searching for my entire life. And then I’ll be perfect.
Let's chat about Check Please!
I wanted to write a book on my search for contentment, because after dating millions of men on each continent, [sings] I still haven't found what I'm lookin' for! But I'm having a fuckin' blast doing it.
What's the scoop on your reality show, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency?
What's your problem? Who said I'm doing a reality show? I'm doing a docudrama about a single mom trying to balance being an author, a supermodel, a photographer and doing a modeling agency. This is the real deal. It's something I've wanted to do since I was nine years old. I mean, what's a supermodel supposed to do after she's done? The shelf-life is normally about eight years. I want models back on magazine covers and in advertising campaigns where they belong — not these Halle Berrys and Sarah Jessica Parkers.
Have you seen MTV's modeling agency show, 8th and Ocean?
I don't have time for mundane television, dear. My show is a true encapsulation of what goes on in an agency — finding men and women, shaping their lives, teaching them out to properly eat, dress, do their makeup, hair. If they don't get the truth from me, honey, they won't get it from anyone else.
Will your models be mini-Janices?
No, I want them to be themselves. I'm hoping to find the next big thing. But it's not a contest, I'm not throwing people off.
Would it even be possible to create another you?
I don't know! I mean, I'm a shooting star. How can you capture a comet? How can you put your hands on energy? It's just all around you.
Finish this sentence: Without the gays, my life would be...
Empty. I only have gay friends — I don't have any girlfriends. My son Nathan jokes, "Don't you know anybody who's straight?" And I say, “No, why would I? They're boring!" Boooorrring!
Nathan's a cutie.
You keep your filthy fucking faggot hands off my son, you motherfucker! I'll come after you. Everyone wants to be my stepson — you know what, take a ticket!
Do you embrace the term "fag hag"?
That's stupid. I've got news for you, there's nothing haggy about me, honey! Every single square inch of my body is tight, baby.
You've been spotted at the East Village gay bar EasternBloc. What do you like about that place?
Everything! I love the poles, the hot bartenders. I go to places that make me happy — where I'm not always accosted by some stupid fuckin' hetero pig who's like, "Hey baby, wanna fuck?" I'm not out looking to get laid. So I sip ginger ale with the boys.
I heard you might be planning your own party there.
Maybe. "A Night of 1,000 Janices" could be fun. A thousand gay men doing the tran on Jan.
What's your advice to drag queens trying to capture your essence?
Please, I need all the advice from them I can get!
Do you ever read what bitchy gay bloggers write about your antics?
Fuck, no! Why don't they wipe their asses with some Cottonelles or something and leave me alone? Unless they can walk the walk like I have, I don't have time for their bullshit. I was the queen of the White Party, they weren't. Ha!
What did you think of your E! True Hollywood Story?
I'm very proud of everything I've done and who I've slept with. I've got to regrets, baby! I'm 51 years old, I was on the original Concord flight, and I'm still going full-throttle. Right now I'm in a DVF wrap skirt, I've got my best homo Joey on my arm, and we're going to find some nude beach down in Malibu. We're rocking it, baby.
Any plastic surgery scheduled for the near-future?
I’m going in for a penile implant next — a good 12 inches. You have enough on me?
Yes, but before I let you go, I need your expert opinion: Did Ashlee Simpson have a nose job or not?
Oh, you’re an asshole for asking such a stupid question. Goodbye! [hangs up]
HX, June 2006.
Dickin' Around: From porn stars to trans women, closet queens to Marys, Janice Dickinson dishes on her past and present model posse.
By Brandon Voss
When I last interviewed Janice Dickinson in June 2006 to promote the first season of her docudrama, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, she called me “an asshole for asking such a stupid question” and hung up. To be fair, I probably deserved it. (I asked if she thought Ashlee Simpson had really gotten a nose job.) And to be honest, that abrupt “click” remains a career highlight. Dickinson was in a much better mood when we recently caught up again by phone to discuss her show’s upcoming fourth season, in which the “world’s first supermodel” moves in with her models. Perhaps her sunnier yet no less sassy disposition stemmed from the fact that we rarely strayed from one of her favorite topics: the gays.
HX: How are you, Janice?
Janice Dickinson: Good! I’m sitting in the heart of homosexuality, the Santa Monica Equinox Gym. And you know what? Eat your fucking heart out.
The homos must be swarming you.
They drop rose petals wherever I go.
I’m loving Martin, your new gay model this season. In fact, I’m kind of hoping that he and J.P. Calderon hook up in the house.
I don’t know if that would be the best thing for little Martin. He’s so young and innocent. But that’s something I wouldn’t encourage or discourage; as long as I don’t know about it…
Well, a lot can happen after a few poolside cocktails. I was actually surprised to see your models freely boozing it up this season without you freaking out on them. Don’t you have a problem with that?
Yes, I do have a problem with it, but these kids are over 18. I can’t beat people up just because they’ve had a drink. So you won’t see me throwing martini glasses. Besides, I was really doing it because there’s one kid on the show who we adore, Kehoe, who — like me at his age — opens his mouth way too much, drinks way too much and does whatever else he does way too much. And he does it for effect. It basically leads me to the big question: Are you straight or are you gay? That’s the whole question for little Kehoe the entire season. Just come out already!
J.P.’s arguably your most well-known model, but do gay models ever have to be concerned career-wise about coming out in the industry?
No, I don’t think so, but I don’t really see things like that. It’s maddening to me that there are still people in the closet. I applaud anyone who comes out. I want to throw a party for them. I want people to have pride.
But have you ever had to tell any of your gay models to butch it up?
Oh, yeah. Totally. It’s like, Mary, grow a dick!
Were you aware of your former model Rodrigo De Carli’s gay porn past before you hired him? And how do you feel about the fact that he’s now working with Lucas Entertainment under the nom-de-porn Claudio Martin?
I don’t have a problem with gay porn. What’s wrong with gay porn? It allows people to encapsulate what their fantasies are. Is that so bad? I think Rodrigo had other issues that were far too severe, which is the reason he’s not with the agency anymore; I’m not going to go into depth about it, but he knows what they are. As far as him having a colorful past? Look, as long as you don’t sodomize children, this is the United States of America — the Fifth Amendment, Larry Flynt, yes! I see nothing wrong with gay porn.
The media is currently eating up the fact that there’s a trans model on the upcoming cycle of Top Model.
Oh, please. I did it on my show first with Claudia. But you know what? There’s not going to be a moment where Tyra’s not going to knock me off, so I’m not bothered by her.
Is there really room for a trans model in the industry?
I think that there’s room for a gorgeous transsexual if he or she has her shit together. Transsexuality is gorgeous. My Claudia was gorgeous, and that bitch had a beat on her walk that could blow anyone away.
Have you ever received a little note or phone call from Tyra to congratulate you on the success of your show?
Are you fucking kidding me? Hell, no. Never. Nothing.
That’s unbelievable.
Believe it, baby. Nor did I ever get a note or call thanking me for helping to put her show on the map. Whatever. She’s not my favorite person.
Why do we never get a glimpse into your own dating life on the show?
I’m going to go on the record here and be honest with you since we’re friends now: I’ve been dating a man for a long time, but he doesn’t want anything to do with being on camera, so I respect that. Besides, that’s not what the show’s about. But listen, please tell all your queens to tune in this season. I’m a friend of the gays, so the gays have to return the favor — and see some hot bodies. I will not let my gays down!
MODEL MARRIAGE: They’ll say “I do.” Janice said, “I don’t.”
No longer represented by JDMA, last season’s model-boyfriends Shaun McCarron and Paul Anderson have announced that they will be heading to Bora-Bora in November to tie the knot after about four years as a couple. But why were their ties with the agency severed? “They were too old,” says Dickinson. “I’m sorry, but this fucking industry — and get it straight, babies — is 18 to 22 years old. They were way over the hill.”
HX, August 2008; extended online version.