Get to know etiquette expert, advice columnist, and author Tammy Manners (drag alter ego of Tom Malin), who has a few words for ladies going commando.
By Brandon Voss
1. What turns you on, creatively or otherwise?
Tammy Manners: I enjoy intelligent people who have something to talk about, that listen. People who talk so loud you can’t hear a word they say bore me terrifically. I like to lean forward and listen in. I am so much more closer to a kiss or a brush of the hand. I adore romance, real or fancied.
2. What’s a good tip for someone who wants to be you for Halloween?
Hire an attorney. I have trademarked and hold the copy write on all that I do, wear, and say. I am forgiving after I win at the courthouse.
3. Which celebrity’s hair do you covet most?
My own, actually. Always evolving and reaching higher. The taller the hair, the closer to God.
4. What would your death-row last meal be?
I would throw it up if my diet pill didn’t stave off my hunger. I hear the bowels relax and let loose after death by lethal injection. I have always said, “A clean colon is so very Christian like." Being a Jewish Republican, I would be on a hunger strike for the press.
5. What’s your juiciest vice or guiltiest pleasure?
At my age, guilt is a luxury I can little afford. The vice squad stopped following me years ago. After serving two terms as Vice-Chair of the Dallas Citizens Police Review Board, I am old news down at the County Justice Center.
6. What extravagant purchase should probably make you feel guiltier?
I would feel guilty buying a suit made of shark skin or purchasing a handgun. Even though I am a card-carrying member of the NRA, the only time for a handgun is while shooting sharks off the Gulf of Mexico. Why sport a fishing rod for shark hunting when you can just shoot the damn things out of the water?
7. When’s the last time you wanted to slap someone?
It was in Maui, navigating the rocks of Little Beach, and a very large man, a silver back bear, a walrus, a killer whale was trying to woo a nude hiker. The nude hiker was polite, “Thank you, I am not interested. I am meditating.” The bear, walrus or killer whale would not let up. “Move on, please,” said the nice nude hiker. “F*cking Faggot!” the bear, walrus, killer whale said. I wanted to pick up a lava rock and stand my own ground, but I knew the minute I did the Vice Squad would hear about it and I would have to go on a hunger strike while awaiting a firing squad on death row. There is never an appropriate time for bullying another gay, animal, or other human being. You want equal rights? Practice the “Golden Rule” and treat those around you the way you want to be treated. Not the way you should be treated. Act like an equal and you will treated as an equal.
8. What most likely made that stain on your outfit?
What outfit?
9. Describe your favorite undergarment.
They always match my dress. Always. A woman never goes commando and should always leave something for the imagination.
10. What’s a lie you’ve told more than once?
“A woman should never go commando.” With my body, it would be a crime to wear clothes.
BONUS: Where do you see yourself in five minutes?
At the gym listening to the juicy details of those I meet as I ask them for their answers to these questions. I am now, once again, in the market for a lifetime companion.
DLNQNT, June 2012.