Backdoor Betty is sittin’ pretty Tuesday nights at Barracuda.
By Brandon Voss
There’s a new girl in town — and she’s feelin’ bad! Backdoor Betty kicks off her new weekly gig on Tuesday, June 14, at Barracuda with a celebration of her worldwide debut. She may be backwards and backwoods, but as we found out, Betty always keeps her backdoor open for the boys.
HX: Tell me about yourself, Betty.
Backdoor Betty: I come from small beginnings, but I’ve always been, shall we say, voluptuous. My father used to rent me out as a prostitute to the boys down at the Feed and Seed store in our little town in Iowa. It was then I learned that having an abortion is a great crash diet. But I grew tired and decided it was time to try my hand on something else. I mean, really, how many times can a hole be stretched in a day?
No comment. So who has Backdoor Betty blossomed into?
Imagine a composite “Frankenstein” queen composed of Totie Field’s remaining leg, Sophie Tucker’s mouth, Rusty Warren’s legendary “knockers,” and Buddy Hackett’s ass. Or, for your younger readers, think Bette Midler crossed with Homer Simpson.
Gotcha. What can we expect from your Barracuda show?
Expect the unexpected. The jokes speak for themselves but draw freely from legendary comediennes such as Belle Barth and Pearl Williams. There will be no lip-synching, but you never know what might happen after a few shots of Aftershock. Being a fully accomplished vocalist myself, I have spent many years learning the art of a perfect Deep Throat. I’ll perform classic material drawn from a myriad of sources — always erring on the side of bad taste.
Describe your sense of style.
Wal-Mart chic. I like to take the fashions of Mary-Kate and Ashley and transform them to fit the size of a real woman’s body. Take a look around - what other options does a queen of my stature have? Italian knit can only stretch so far.
There’s a rumor circulating that you look suspiciously like Trai La Trash. How do you feel about that comparison?
That fat bitch… Have you seen her in person? Who does she think she’s fooling with all the retouching on her photographs? If I could tell the royal cunt one thing, it would be to embrace her inner fat. Love the fat. Be the fat.
Are you anticipating any rivalry between you and the other belles of Barracuda?
There’s no comparison. Sure, Shequida went to Julliard, but did she graduate? And yes, Candis can wear a strapless dress, but how many cheeseburgers can she eat in a day? As for Sherry… well let’s not even go there. Fine, they’re all fit and gorgeous, but without Barracuda’s magic lighting, fan and a microphone — and excessive cocktails — they’re nothing but a few queens in dresses standing on a stage.
Them’s fightin’ words! One last question: Do you ever use the front door, Backdoor Betty?
Let’s put it this way: For $300, I’ll do just about anything.
HX, June 2005.