Suzanne Somers comes and knocks on our door with her one-woman musical.
By Brandon Voss
I meet Suzanne Somers at her favorite boutique hotel on the Upper East Side as she revs up to make her Broadway debut with The Blonde in the Thunderbird, an inspirational solo ride. Fresh off a plane from Los Angeles, the city she calls home, the Three’s Company star looks spry in a simple black dress and tasteful turquoise jewelry. Hair? Flawless. Skin? Radiant. Body? Bangin’! Surely this can’t be a grandma approaching her 60th birthday.
Think you’ve had it rough? Somers has battled an abusive alcoholic father, dyslexia, and breast cancer, not to mention her high-profile career setbacks (“I’ve been fired a lot,” she says), emerging victorious with the Somersize fitness empire and a loving husband of 37 years. Will the Home Shopping Network queen ever slow down? “I’m already completely satisfied with everything I’ve accomplished,” she insists. “I’m not doing this show for money. This is not a career move. I just needed to tell my story.”
Unsurprisingly, the ThighMaster mistress and I are soon discussing her long, lucrative commitment to diet and exercise. “I gained weight when I reached my 40s,” she says. “I always had a small frame like yours, and I was always thin — just like you. And we all know that 20 pounds can look like 20 years. So I decided to do something about it.” Moving past my OMG, Suzanne Somers thinks I’m skinny! moment, I grill the best-selling author for a Cliff’s Notes version of her beauty secrets. “I swear by hormone replacement therapy!” she exclaims, launching into the low-down on this procedure with the animated gestures of a giddy schoolgirl.
“Even my son now gets testosterone replacement, and he’s always showing me his abs,” Somers continues. “No, he’s not gay,” she quickly adds, sensing my skepticism at the idea of a straight man in his 40s with visible abdominal muscles, “but most of my friends are. You know that gay men are the best friends to have as a woman. They’ll always be honest — especially about how you look.” She futzes with her hair.“‘Oh, you need to trim a little here!’”
Somers hopes these sisters support her theatrical expedition. “Gays and I have a lot in common,” she says. “I know how hard it is to grow up different, constantly picked on, getting punched in the gut every step of the way.” Did she commiserate with gay boys out at the clubs in her heyday? “I never had a heyday,” she replies, appearing almost sorry to let me down. “When you have a child at 17, you don’t get a heyday.”
With fluffy banter followed by poignant revelations like this, our interview practically parallels her new show. “One moment you’ll be laughing and the next you’ll be [gasps],” Somers teases, dramatically clutching her chest. Its title, The Blonde in the Thunderbird, alludes to her tiny but indelible role as the mysterious driving beauty in American Graffiti, George Lucas’ 1973 cult classic, which catapulted her to stardom. “It was one night of shooting for $136.72. I had no idea. I still can’t believe I’ve made it as far as I have. I’ve never had an acting lesson in my life.”
Now that Somers has added Broadway to her long list of credits, isn’t a reality show the only logical next step? “I was asked to do the new Gilligan’s Island,” she admits, “but that’s a nightmare to me. I can’t imagine having cameras follow me around all the time. Besides, what more can people know about me...?” Then, with a bit of “Chrissy” charm, she giggles and rethinks her statement: “Well, I guess there is more. Come to the show and you’ll find out!”
My new friend Suzie and I could keep chatting for hours (she loves Paris Hilton!) but our interview is cut short when someone making toast in the adjacent kitchen sets off a fire alarm, sending confused hotel guests running out into the hallway, doors opening and slamming shut — a very Three’s Company moment. As we say our goodbyes, I have to tell Somers how gorgeous she is. She clasps my hand and thanks me genuinely, sending me off with a wide smile and big wave. She knows I’m just being honest.
HX, July 2005.