"Open wide and give in to the gay karaoke craze!"
By Brandon Voss
One of the worst insults that Simon Cowell can hurl at contestants on American Idol is that they sound like they’re belting out a tune at a karaoke bar. But the snarky Brit obviously hasn’t seen it done right in gay Gotham. Whether you’re Clay Aiken or William Hung, there’s a microphone waiting at local boy bars such as XES, Splash, Pieces, Metropolitan, Pegasus, Lips, and more. Which ditty will you choose when the songbook comes your way?
Rhythm Nation 2005
Queer karaoke will always have its virgins and drunken thrill-seekers, but the most entertaining participants are often die-hard regulars such as Janet (pronounced Janaé), a 46-year-old waiter who has wowed audiences at Pieces for more than a decade. Moments after killing with R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” on a recent Tuesday night, Janet — who earned his nickname by frequently wearing a key earring à la Janet Jackson during her Rhythm Nation 1814 period — is already filling out another request slip. “I love to sing more than anything,” he says, “but I never took a voice lesson. Last week I sang so much that I left with a sore throat!”
Besides a performance by Janet, there are only two things you can be sure of Tuesday nights at the Christopher Street institution: “If there’s a straight girl in the bar, you can bet she will sing Madonna,” says Garth Schilling, Pieces’ resident karaoke DJ. “And if there’s a good-looking guy, he will most likely be encouraged to remove his pants by Blanche.” Indeed, droll drag hostess Blanche guards a prize wheel that one can only spin after showing skin on stage. “It’s important to remember that karaoke at Pieces really isn’t about singing,” adds Schilling. “It’s about drinking and yelling.”
And the Winner Is…
But karaoke in New York isn’t just for the AA set or the fey at heart. Just look at former Splash karaoke champ Frank Dicocco, a high-school teacher from Jersey who also frequents The Eagle and The Dugout. This self-described “Chelsea cub” might just surprise his burly den with a rendition of “Defying Gravity” from Wicked that could rouse anyone from hibernation. “You get to do the Broadway stuff here, and people love it,” says Dicocco, who gave up his own dreams of the Great White Way a long time ago. “It’s all fun and games; if I win, I win. I happen to have a little gift, so I use it.”
“So far the talent has been out of this world — or should I say out-of-work actors,” jokes Splash karaoke hostess Trai La Trash. On a recent Wednesday evening, Miss Trash crowned Sean Taylor, a 23-year-old administrative assistant visiting from Washington, D.C., the latest victor after his interpretation of Robbie Williams’ “Angels” garnered the loudest audience applause. Taylor, who plans to use his $100 prize money to “buy something pretty from Hugo Boss,” doesn’t look down upon his less-talented competitors, despite his own enviable skills. “It takes a lot to get up there in front of everybody, so I commend them all for having the courage,” he says. “Hell, sometimes I don’t want to go up there either.”
Like a Karaoke Virgin
There appears to no shortage of confidence — or very hot contestants — Sunday nights at XES, the latest local lounge to add karaoke to its weekly lineup. Perhaps it’s sassy hostess Peppermint GummyBear, also queen of karaoke at Lips, who puts the performers at ease. “Who knew that karaoke was back in vogue?” she asks, taking a dramatic swig from her cocktail. “So what better way to be fashionable this fall than by hitting XES to croon with the best — and worst — of ’em?”
XES owner Tony Juliano knew he had a winner when he first tested his new state-of-the-art digital karaoke system on a slow night and, thanks to furious text messaging, the bar quickly became packed with cute boys eager to choose from more than 11,000 song selections.
Make Love to the Mike
Charlie Logan, a Metropolitan Tuesday-night karaoke mainstay with a penchant for “Mack the Knife,” enjoys the finer perks of the art form at the relaxed talent showcase. “There have been times where I’ve been flirting with someone and got up to sing to ‘seal the deal,’” he admits. “So far, it’s worked pretty well!”
On the other hand, Matt Kuehl, a devoted karaoke fan partial to “Slide” by the Goo Goo Dolls, asserts that a handsome face and a good ear, while they certainly don’t hurt, are secondary to attitude when it comes to an enjoyable performance. “I just want to see someone up there having a great time,” he says. “There are some people who take themselves way too seriously. It’s not a concert, there’s no reserved seating, and no one’s giving away recording contracts, so just get up there and try.” Logan adds: “It wouldn’t be karaoke — and it wouldn’t be fun — if you didn’t cringe a few times while watching.”
Well, in that case, pass the songbook — I’m totally doing Hilary Duff!
Karaoke 101: Helpful hints from XES hostess Peppermint
On mental preparation: “Relax with aromatherapy. A good bottle of poppers usually does the trick.”
On vocal preparation: “Soothe the vocal chords with tea with honey — though I substitute vodka for an extra numbing effect. Then vocalize to open up the back of the throat — though I usually enlist the help of my go-go assistant for that task.”
On proper attire: “Dress for comfort, but always add a little flair. Just leave the unitard at home, theater queens!”
On song choice: “When in doubt, go with Britney or Ashlee. You can always lip-synch like they do!”
On diva dilemmas: “If it comes down to either Whitney or Aretha, just remember that while crack is wack, thin is in!”
On the only forbidden selection: “Avoid ‘I Will Survive’ — because the audience may not.”
Total Request Live: Top 10 Most Frequently Butchered Songs at Pieces Karaoke
“Summer Nights,” Grease
“Love Shack,” B-52s
“Friends in Low Places,” Garth Brooks
“Since U Been Gone,” Kelly Clarkson
“All That Jazz,” Chicago
“Just a Gigolo,” David Lee Roth
“Suddenly Seymour,” Little Shop of Horrors
“9 to 5,” Dolly Parton
“Like a Virgin,” Madonna
“Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” Elton John
HX, October 2005.